Nut wit Anthropologist

During an usual excavation for a building foundation, I found a strange looking piece, which resembled a skull. It must have been of a small kid. Somehow, instantly I was sure that it was a great archeological find.

It is in Dantewada, a place which is known for its ancient past, untouched by civilization until very recently. It is a place mentioned even in Ramayana, where Lord Ram spent many years in exile. I was very excited and sincerely believed that my discovery might change the very theories of human evolution that are at present believed.

So, my interest in the skull grew many folds, and sincerely started to do some research on my own. I purchased many books, made extensive searches in the net for material relating to development of homo sapiens.

First thing I did was to name it ‘Erectosravispenis’ or for short just ‘ravi’. It had clear and vivid eye sockets, with little but long hair. I wanted to arrange for a carbon dating to know exactly how many millions of years ago this kid lived.

Imagine how strange fate is, someone was born many millions of years ago and died just to make me famous. I was sure; the whole world would talk and discuss this finding.

As luck would have it, I met a German couple, who were on a study tour of Indian tribes. We soon struck a friendly chord. Frankly, I did not understand half of what they said because of their German accent, but I kept nodding my head. But then I noticed that they too were just nodding their heads. I took that opportunity to tell them of my rare finding. All I am looking for was a noted anthropologist to certify the fact.

Their eyes widened with great interest. They informed me of their friend Mr. Wilhelm Jurgen, who is an anthropologist of international repute. They assured me that he would be interested to help me out. They assured me that all-will-be-well and I am going to get a major share of all the great prominence that will ensure.

“Don’th worry, we are gudd people” they said.

Their intention was very sincere and so, I packed my ‘Ravi’ carefully and handed over to them. Including the 100 page of my study on it, neatly typed. They were leaving for Germany in a week’s time.

With fingers crossed, I waited for a month. There was no communication from them. After another fortnight, I started to feel something fishy. A lot of thoughts flashed my mind. Have they cheated me? I have lost a life time opportunity for fame, because I believed this indiscreet German couple. My mails went unanswered.

Then I decided to do something. I wrote a lengthy letter to the German Chancellor explaining how I have been cheated. I even mentioned that these particular people have stolen some historical artifact from India, which will be intimated to the Foreign Ministry of India and will be taken to its logical end.

After an agonizing two more weeks, I received a letter from Mr. Wilhelm Jurgen, who was forwarded the letter that I wrote to the Chancellor. This was his reply.

Dear Mr. Ravi,

Thank you for your submission to our Institute, which was closely studied as Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we totally disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Dantewada, India, more than 3 million years ago.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name ‘Erectosravispenis’. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in the history of this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids as you claimed. And the skull is more consistent with domesticated cat than it is with the ravenous man-eating humanoid as you claimed that roamed Dantewada 3 million years ago.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate so effortlessly. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of a human race that you claim to be the first on earth.

To put things straight, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll. To be specific, it belongs to a Barbie doll commercially named Bopsy. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. The material is molded plastic. We have reconstructed your specimen with a lot of care and details.

Yours in Science,

Wilhelm Jurgen, Chief Curator-Antiquities & Head of Anthropology, Bonn University.