Faking News by unknown authors

SWISS ECONOMY COLLAPSES AFTER PAWAR OPTS OUT OF SPECTRUM PANEL

Several Swiss bankers drowned themselves in Lake Geneva after learning that respected heavyweight Sharad Pawar has opted out of India’s Spectrum Allocation Panel. Slated to be the biggest money-making opportunity in India in the month of July, Pawar’s actions have left well-wishers aghast. Questions have been raised about his sanity, in very soft voices.  ”He has had a long and glorious innings,” said one expert, “But it looks like that razor-sharp brain is no longer what it was.”

Swiss sources denied that Pawar had taken this step because the banks are full. “We created another basement specially for him,” said one weeping customer relations executive. “Now all I hear are my footsteps echoing in an empty hall.”

The Swiss prime minister, who chose to remain anonymous, has advised against panic. “Our fundamentals remain strong,” he said, “As do those of Mr Pawar.”

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INDIAN AUDIENCES REJECT SPIDER-MAN, PREFER RAJNIKANT 

 

Senior management at Columbia Pictures choked on their martinis after learning that ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ has been universally rejected by Indian audiences. The absence of songs has been cited as a particular handicap, along with the absence of Kareena Kapoor. In a country where many enjoy super-powers, Spider-Man’s abilities have left viewers underwhelmed.

“All he does is jump from building to building,” said Nandkishore, 62. “Rajnikant can do that and sing at the same time. Hanuman can do that, and grant all our wishes. No one has asked Hrithik Roshan, but I’m sure he can do it also. Plus Gwen Stacy wasn’t all that hot.”

Rumours from California indicate that Columbia will be inserting an item number, and hectic parlays are on with Kate Winslet for the purpose.

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FISH FLEE AFTER CHINA CLAIMS BAY OF BENGAL 

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n developments that our editor refuses to call fishy, China’s geopolitical muscle-flexing has led to a major exodus of marine wildlife. Schools of petrified fish were observed to be fleeing in panic moments after Xinhua announced that the Bay of Bengal was now officially part of the South China Sea. This is basis recently discovered evidence that Ming emperor Long Wu had once peed out of a porthole while sailing through. Some of the slower moving fish are reportedly leaping into fishing nets. Attempts to make Indian aircraft carrier Admiral Gorshkov seaworthy have been speeded up. The Sri Lankan Coast Guard has been placed on high alert, as has Angelina Jolie.

Meanwhile, back on dry land, seafood prices in India have skyrocketed. In Calcutta, hordes of prawn-deprived citizens confronted Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, but were too terrified to say anything. The Communist Party of India issued a statement condemning the incident, but no one knows what it said, since it was in Chinese.

The Indian government has reacted swiftly. In a hurriedly arranged press conference, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has promised to address the worried nation, ‘as soon as madam comes back from her morning walk.’

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PAK GOVT CLARIFIES : “WE INVITED MADANMOHAN, NOT MANMOHAN.” 

 

Amritsar tailor Madanmohan Singh was pleasantly surprised to receive a visit from the Pakistani High Commissioner today. Over a cup of tea, the High Commissioner cordially invited him to meet Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari. He clarified that the earlier invitation to Manmohan Singh was the result of a typo. “The typist is being flogged as we speak,” he added.

Sources inside the High Commission revealed that Singh will be measuring Zardari for a special suit. “He wants to look good in prison,” said the source.

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UPSET BY PUBLIC CRITICISM, AISHWARYA DIVORCES TREE

 

Noted cine star Aishwarya Rai has divorced her husband of four years, a tree. They were joined in holy matrimony to ward off evil, but Ms Rai, whose previous admirers include Inspector Clouseau, is dissatisfied with the results. A representative of bharatmatrimoney.com confirmed that they had received the mandate to find a replacement, and were scouting forests across the country. A banyan tree in Tirupati has reportedly been rejected by the actress for being ‘too gnarly.’

Ms Rai’s ex-husband was not available for comment, but his gardener reported that he has been shedding heavily. “He is devastated,” said the gardener. “He never thought he would find someone as wooden as her, and now he has lost her.”

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EDUCATION LEVELS RISE AFTER KAPIL SIBAL LOWERS LITERACY NORMS. 

Education levels in India rose dramatically after Kapil Sibal took time off from destroying the IITs to lower literacy norms. “I saw what my friend Monty did with the poverty line, and I liked it,” said the Minister. “Suddenly, it looks like the PM has uplifted millions, although inflation has actually created 30 million new poor people. I want to replicate this model across sectors, starting with education.”

The old norm, which defined literacy as the ability to sign your name, has been scrapped. Instead, anyone who can recognize his or her own signature will now be deemed literate, regardless of who does the signing. This further widens the gap with China, where literacy has boldly been defined as the ability to read and write.

There was no official reaction from the Chinese, due to what one source described as ‘uncontrollable giggling.’

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PAK PM CRISIS RESOLVED AFTER CHIEF JUSTICE RESUMES MEDICATION

After hurling out the existing PM and crushing the aspirations of a series of potential successors, Pakistan Supreme Court Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhri’s condition stabilised today, and he is no longer smashing furniture. Insiders reveal that he agreed to resume medication in response to entreaties from a secret Swiss delegation, which implored him not to damage relations between the two nations any further. Justice Chaudhuri has been upset because many Pakistani politicians have shown a preference for Swiss banks over Pakistani banks.

In related news, the freshly anointed PM announced his intention to shift his office to Dubai. “With the Taliban, ISI and Chief Justice all after him,” said a spokesman, “Pakistan is no place for the PM.”

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CALVIN KLEIN TARGETS INDIA, LAUNCHES UNDERWEAR MADE OF MONEY

Recognising the rising importance of the Indian market, Calvin Klein is all set to launch a new range of underwear made entirely out of currency notes. The decision was inspired by a leading family of Maharashtra, with major interests in real estate,agriculture, and cricket, who have been wearing them since 1986. The family will receive substantial royalties, mostly in the form of more underwear.

The product comes with features which make it particularly suited to water-starved India. “The material is such that it will not require further laundering,” said Mr. Klein.

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MAMATA BANERJEE COLLAPSES AFTER DRINKING RED LABEL TEA

Trinamool Congress supremo Mamata Banerjee suffered convulsions after sipping Brooke Bond Red Label tea at a railway canteen this morning. She started frothing at the mouth during her subsequent interaction with the press, but it was only when she collapsed that people present realised something was amiss, leading to a delay in her receiving medical attention. Ms Banerjee’s condition is now stable. She has vowed terrible revenge on the perpetrators of what she referred to as ‘yet another assassination attempt by naughty people.’  for offering her RED tea.

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DELHI HOUSEWIFE SUES GODMAN, DEMANDS REFUND 

Home-maker Jusleen of Govindpuri has filed a case against up-and-coming godman Swami Govardhan, citing ‘non-performance of services.’

“My husband was very overworked, and I asked a friend to suggest me,” said Jusleen. “She said, why don’t you check out this guru, he has some action going on. But the reality turned out to be very different. He would just sit there with his eyes closed. At first, I thought he was fantasising, but he was thinking about god, it seems. Why would I give him my husband’s hard-earned money to sit and think about god? I am highly dissatisfied.”

In related news, the Godmen’s Association of Northern India announced that it was de-recognising Swami Govardhan with immediate effect, due to ‘inability to fill spiritual holes.’