How to surprise your wife?

Last Saturday I was late to reach home. For a 7 day working schedule, I prefer to say TGIS (Thank God it is Saturday). One old buddy invited me to his house for a round of drinks.

“A round of drinks means you drink until your head goes round and round” he said. He is a jolly good fellow and a good golfer too. His head is as clean as a golf ball. He is a very good entertainer and a very talkative person. I, being a very good listener, is a reason that cuts a chord between us. I find his jokes very funny. I make sure that I don’t have any drink in my mouth at the point of his ‘punch line’ lest I would spill it on his carpet. It happened a few times, and he dutifully hands me a napkin suggesting me to clean up. I do.

So, that was why I was late. My head was not only going round and round, but also in triangles, squares and many other shapes. I enter my home with a key that I always have with me, and found my home exceptionally silent. TV was off, computer was shut down. No shouts of fighting and squabbling. Lights were put off. I had to step out and check the flat number painted outside to make sure if it was my own apartment.

“Dinner is in the Kitchen” my wife said half with irritation and the other half anger.

“Where are the children?”

“Movie” she replied “They won’t be back tonight, sleeping in their friend’s home”

“Are you O.K?”

“No, I have a fever, I told you this evening”

Yes, now I remember, she told me. I even remember the pop up message in my brain when that friend invited me for drinks, which said:

“Your wife is not well, but do you still want to overwrite that warning?”

I pressed “YES” and went for drinks.

A feeling of guilt descended on me like a cloud of toxic waste. I quietly changed and went to bed. No dinner, as if to punish myself.

Next morning, it was a Sunday; I woke up early because of a crow that was cawing just outside my window as if its girl friend just eloped. Darn crow. It is only 5.30 am. I got out of bed and checked her fore head. It was normal, no fever.

I open the front door, no newspaper yet. I am surprised to see our maid coming. She is too early today, I thought.

“Saaru, my daughter is in labor, we admitted her in the hospital at 2.0A.M.”

“Oh! That’s great, how is she doing?”

“Fine saaru, please inform madam that I will not come for work for 2 days”

“O.K, do you need any help?”

“No saaru, madam already gave me money”

Not wanting to disturb my wife, I wanted to prepare my morning tea by myself. While tea is boiling, I notice that the sink is full of dishes to be cleaned.

“Oh! Shit, I should have asked the maid to finish the dishes and go” said the left side of my brain.

“No, that is unfair, her daughter is in the hospital” said the Saikorian side.

“Why not finish the dishes by yourself and surprise your lady?” repeated the Saikorian side.

That’s a great idea, agreed all sides of my brain. That way at least you can neutralize yesterday’s guilt. I am sure she will be absolutely surprised and pleased by my act. I very much wanted to see the look on her face when she sees the dishes are cleaned. She will definitely be proud of me. I can have a strong feeling of a ‘proud husband’. So, I was actually tip toeing in the kitchen lest she wakes up. I was sure, if she finds me doing the dishes, she will come half running and stop me and push me aside and maybe she would also say “What the hell, do you think I am dead?”

She is cut from that old block, I always thought. She will definitely not allow me to complete and that would spoil the show.

So, I started washing the dishes as silently as possible. I realized how nauseating and difficult the job is. Even one remote part of my brain said “What the hell, leave it” But the Saikorian side said “No,No, you wanted to surprise her, it is to neutralize your guilt and more importantly this is for the surprise element you wanted to see”

So, I continued never the less.  With soap in both hands I tip toed to the bedroom and found her still asleep.

While I am washing the dishes, let me relate a joke that my golfer friend narrated.

A guy was looking for a used motorcycle. He always wanted an Enfield ‘Bullet’. One day he comes across one with a fair deal and decided to buy it. He found that the bike was in perfect condition. He enquired the owner, how he managed to keep it in such perfect condition.

“Well,” said the owner, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The first thing this guy did after buying the bike is to go to his girl friend, who also happened to be a Bullet fan. She was ecstatic. She invited him to her parents’ home for dinner. It would make a big impression on them. “But” she said “Honey, I should tell you something about my parents. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything has to do the dishes.”

“No problem” the guy said.

At the girl friend’s home he notices piles and piles of dishes to be cleaned. They sat down to dinner and, sure no one says a word. So, this guy wanting to take advantage of the situation leans over and kisses his girl friend. No one says a word. He grabs her and fondles her. But still they kept quite.

“Her Mom’s kinda cute”, he thinks and grabs his girl friend’s Mom and kisses her and fondles her. Still not a word was spoken. Total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the guy realizes it’s starting to rain. He figures he’d better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls out the Vaseline tube from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: “All right, all right! I’ll do the damn dishes.”

I was almost done with the dishes, only a few were left and I was cleaning them under flowing water from the tap. I was feeling really proud; I was waiting to see the feeling of surprise, happiness and unacceptability in her eyes. It would be a great surprise.

“Hey” she called from the door.

There she comes, she will push me aside and say a strong dialogue “What the hell, do you think I am dead?”

“Hey” she said again. I was waiting to see her feelings, while she pushes me aside.

“You are wasting water, reduce the tap” she said.